Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally | goombaytally.com | Parenting
15 Universal Kid “True-isms” Parents Can Absolutely Take to The Bank
I believe all parents have said out loud — or quietly wished that they had a single, all-in-one, comprehensive, “tell-us-really-like-it-is” handbook on parenting BEFORE they actually had kids.
A book that unapologetically bypasses the painfully academic, straight-laced, perfect world scenarios involving perfect parenting and model-ready mothers wearing tennis skirts and drinking Starbucks ice coffee… They just want the information they really need to know.
Like the CliffsNotes of Parenting right?
Stuff like … well … the fact that “juice” is as good as freakin’ gold or currency to a child. The fact that kids will sell their precious little souls for one solitary Minute Maid, Apple Juice box. Or that during the span of two years (or more) you will physically handle more poopy diapers and go through more packs of wet wipes than you ever imagined you could. Your one regret will be that you failed to buy tons of stock in Pampers or Huggies.
Here’s one: expecting parents need to know that babies will wake up so many times throughout the night that they eventually won’t recall whether they actually slept or not. Don’t be afraid to tell them that their night will become a hazy blur filled with fleeting images of dimly lit hallways, the refrigerator, their babies crib with the screaming little angel inside, and their iPhone screen that shows “2:00 A.M.”
Moreover, they will stare at themselves in the mirror as they prepare for work in the morning and — for at least ten seconds — wonder who the old haggardly-looking, sleep-deprived, Stephen King-inspired person is that’s staring back at them through crusty, thin slits for eyes.
But wait, there’s more …
New parents need to know that sex will no longer exist as the gloriously romantic and breath-taking experience that it once was. Conversely, sex will quickly begin to look more like a weird cross between a Nascar pit crew swapping out tires on a racecar and a sadly rushed derivative of the game hide and go seek.
Here’s another one: if you’re a young parent, you now know that informing your kid that it’s bedtime is [reactionarily] analogous to telling New England Patriots fans that Tom Brady just retired. Yep … total mayhem and biblical gnashing of teeth. Baby teeth that is.
Parents not only know “the struggle,” of raising young kids, they become the struggle in many cases. Yes, these are the worn and pathetic people we all have to deal with on the interstate during rush hour, at the workplace, in the grocery store, and at the DMV.
Ever wonder why the two-hundred pound, disheveled … I’m wearing my house slippers outside of the house, lady in front of you in line at McDonalds is screaming at the bewildered cashier at the top of her voice because they just ran out of Chicken McNuggets? Yep … her kids drove her to this state. Don’t judge. The struggle is indeed real bruh.
What about the weird guy at the Wal-Mart checkout line with the white tube socks pulled up to his knees who just turned a (seemingly) simple point of sale transaction with the cashier into a C-Span broadcasted session of Congress — armed with two-year old expired coupons and outdated sales papers in hand to boot. Yes … you guessed it: his kids pushed him over the edge.
You get the point I think … and oh, by the way, if you are still looking for that all-inclusive parenting handbook … it doesn’t exist … and this short blog certainly won’t help you tremendously.
However, here are fifeteen true-isms about kids that all parents will instantly recognize and attest to…let this be a gentle warning and guide to the rest of you who are still holding out on producing one or many of these “gifts from Jesus”:
When You’re Running Late for An Appointment or Event, Rest Assure, Your Infant Will Poop His Diaper in The Absolute Worst and Tragic Way. Buy Tons of Clorox Wipes and Plan Accordingly.
Your Child Will Demand Juice or Water Immediately After You Put Them Down for Bedtime and Kiss Them Goodnight…It’s a Kid Law… Get Used to It.
Regardless of the Fact That None of Your Kids Needed You For Anything Within the Last 15 Minutes, Once You Lock the Bathroom Door and Sit Down on The Toilet and Do Your Business in Peace, You Will Instantly be Summoned by Everyone in Your House, Under the Age of 16.
The Child You Witness Crawling on the Floor and Whining When You Ask Them to Clean Their Room, Will Be the Same Child You See Infused with Excitement and Vigor Once You Announce That You’re Going to Toys-R-Us. Use That to Your Advantage.
Your Child Will Not Like or Eat Anything That Doesn’t Come in a Small Red Box with a Happy Face on it and a Plastic-Bagged Toy Inside.
Like a Pack of Wild Hyenas, Your Kids Are Naturally Programmed to Migrate to The Room That You Just Finished Cleaning and Vacuuming.
The Announcement of Bedtime to Your Kids Will Ignite Immediate Shock, Faux Illness, Spontaneous Injuries, Deep Depression, and Extreme Filibuster Tactics That Would Make Senator Ted Cruz Proud.
Once You Start a Phone Conversation, Your Kids Will Immediately Need Your Undivided Attention for Seemingly Meaningless or Nonsensical Issues…Also See #3 above.
You Will Never Be as Cool, Caring, and Awesome as Grandma and Grandpa … Get Used To That Notion Right Now.
The Same Child Who Literally Drove You to The Edge of Insanity an Hour Ago Will Melt Your Heart While You Watch Them Sleep Like an Angel During a Nap. This is Mother Nature’s Way of Calming Your Frayed and Damaged Nerves.
Kids are Some of the Quickest, Most Agile, and Flexible Creatures on the Face of the Earth – Of Course, Unless You Ask Them to Get Dressed and Put on Their Shoes Before Leaving the House in the Morning.
Your Expensive Items Around the House Will Begin to Break “Spontaneously.” For Example, Your Kids Will Attempt to Convince You That Your Lamp Just “Fell on The Floor and Broke”. Be Prepared to Lose Crap that You Once Cherished.
You Will Never Be Able to Prove Which One of Your Kids Hit The Other Kid First. Each Child Will Swear on The Good Book That They Were Pummeled First By The Other One. It Will Be a Lasting Mystery For You Throughout the Course of Parenthood. Good Luck With That.
Your Child Will Have Zero Interest in “Toy X” — Of Course Until Another Kid Picks it Up and Begins Playing With It. Be Advised: At That Point, All Hell Will Break Out.
Your Middle Kid Will Be Like The One Guy at Your Prom in High School That Didn’t Come with a Date and Looks Like He Just Wants to Go Home and Watch Dr. Who Reruns. Give Him or Her a Break.
Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally | www.goombaytally.com