Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally Blog | Artwork courtesy of DC Sammy Political Advertisements
What if You Could Interview the Next President of the United States? What Would Your Interview Questions Look Like?
Like many Americans watching the reality show that we like to call “The 2016 Elections,” I find myself not being overly thrilled and enamored with (really) any of the candidates that we see vying for the Presidency.
In the Republican camp, we have Donald Trump who will probably win the GOP nomination. But we also see a Republican Party mired in chaos and utter confusion. Let’s be honest, more than half of the party is actually sabotaging their front-runner’s efforts right now like turned-Ninjas. Moreover, major American cities are rioting and protesting Trump rallies like it was Adolf Hitler himself on a nation-wide propaganda tour. What a mess right?
In the Democrat camp, we have two “wonderful” candidates who are about as exciting to watch as a PBS 24-hour fundraising marathon.
“In the Democrat camp, we have two “wonderful” candidates who are about as exciting to watch as a PBS fundraising marathon.”
Listen … I’m not trying to side with any party or candidate at this point, but seriously, are you telling me that out of the 321,442,019 smart, courageous, innovative, and passionate people who currently reside in beloved country, the candidates that so grace us with their presence every day on CNN and Fox News, are the most qualified for the presidency?
Mind you, I work with a number of engineers who can think in levels of comprehensive and cognitive fluency that I couldn’t personally reach in a million years. These men and women are capable of solving mechanical and software problems that would make most of our craniums vapor lock and systematically shutdown like a poorly maintained Ukrainian nuclear power plant.
However, let’s imagine for a moment that picking our next president wasn’t the complex and frustrating process that it currently is. Yes, imagine that our presidential selection process was as easy as holding a national lottery. Americans love lotteries right?
Humor me for a minute: the ultimate winner of the lottery wins the exclusive right and privilege of choosing our next leader … but here’s the kicker: the lottery winner can’t just give the head nod to the next president like they’re selecting a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream at the frozen section of your local WaWa.
The lottery winner would then have to interview each candidate (like a boss) using the same scrutinizing, grueling, comprehensive, and painstaking interview process that the rest of us average “Joes” have to go through in the real world.
There will be application questions.
The other lottery stipulations will be that your interview questions have to be the same for every candidate, and they have to be made public and painfully transparent.
After each candidate has been interviewed, you as the lottery winner, gets to make your final choice for the rest of us to live with (for better or for worse).
So if I actually won this presidential “selection” lottery, these would be my interview questions … these questions would represent what I need my next president to focus their energies on daily. With that said, and given these application questions, who do you think our next president would be? If only other political processes
1. Are you a communist, fascist, or socialist? (mind you, we have a copy of your college transcripts and every research paper that you’ve ever written)
2. If my son ever becomes a Navy Seal and his team is pinned down by the enemy in an undisclosed (Top Secret) location in the world, and the only way that they will have any chance to survive is with the help of an air strike package that “you” can order; do you send in the Navy F/A-18 Super Hornet fighters to turn the enemy into red confetti or do you wait three days to weigh the consequences from an international affairs perspective?
3. Can I see the last twenty Google searches on your laptop?
4. Have you ever actually compared yourself to the average man (or women) in public? When you made that comparison, were you actually aware of the average salary of the common man that you associate yourself with?
5. Have you ever served in the armed forces? If no, do you feel qualified to send people who actually serve into meaningless conflicts and countries that can give a rat’s a** about democracy or the free market?
6. Two-part question: Have you ever waiting tables in a restaurant full of ornery customers or served greasy burgers at a McDonalds just to finance your college education and supplement any scholarships you were lucky to get? If yes, how do you feel about the idea of giving the next generation a free education just for the asking?
7. Three-part question: Do you currently have a Costco card in your wallet? (Let me see it because I don’t really believe you) How many times have you shopped at Wal-Mart (sending the nanny or butler there doesn’t count by the way)? Do you know the name of at least one NASCAR driver?
8. Finish this sentence: The three greatest people who ever walked on the face of the earth are _____, _____, and _____. Note: if the answer “Jesus Christ” isn’t first on your list, this interview is officially over and you can catch the next flight back home.
9. True or False question: Quality of life considerations for actual human beings are infinitely more important than preserving the wet, stinky, and murky habitats of micro-organisms that have zero impact on our lives collectively.
10. When presented with the opportunity to polarize this nation for your own political agenda by penning races, economic, and social classes against each other; what would you ultimately choose do as President of the United States of America?
11. What is the first name of the janitor who cleans your office every day? (Your answer to this question will really tell us how you feel about the average American)
Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally Blog | Goombaytally.com