10 Beautiful Tweets That Will Make You Book a Trip to Hydra, Greece Right Now. Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally | www.goombaytally.com | Hydra, Greece | Please contact us at [email protected] for feedback, writer and advertisement requests. For those that are unfamiliar with the Greek Islands — “Hydra” is one of the […]
Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally | goombaytally.com | Parenting
15 Universal Kid “True-isms” Parents Can Absolutely Take to The Bank
I believe all parents have said out loud — or quietly wished that they had a single, all-in-one, comprehensive, “tell-us-really-like-it-is” handbook on parenting BEFORE they actually had kids.
A book that unapologetically bypasses the painfully academic, straight-laced, perfect world scenarios involving perfect parenting and model-ready mothers wearing tennis skirts and drinking Starbucks ice coffee… They just want the information they really need to know.
Like the CliffsNotes of Parenting right?
Stuff like … well … the fact that “juice” is as good as freakin’ gold or currency to a child. The fact that kids will sell their precious little souls for one solitary Minute Maid, Apple Juice box. Or that during the span of two years (or more) you will physically handle more poopy diapers and go through more packs of wet wipes than you ever imagined you could. Your one regret will be that you failed to buy tons of stock in Pampers or Huggies.
Here’s one: expecting parents need to know that babies will wake up so many times throughout the night that they eventually won’t recall whether they actually slept or not. Don’t be afraid to tell them that their night will become a hazy blur filled with fleeting images of dimly lit hallways, the refrigerator, their babies crib with the screaming little angel inside, and their iPhone screen that shows “2:00 A.M.”
Moreover, they will stare at themselves in the mirror as they prepare for work in the morning and — for at least ten seconds — wonder who the old haggardly-looking, sleep-deprived, Stephen King-inspired person is that’s staring back at them through crusty, thin slits for eyes.
But wait, there’s more …
New parents need to know that sex will no longer exist as the gloriously romantic and breath-taking experience that it once was. Conversely, sex will quickly begin to look more like a weird cross between a Nascar pit crew swapping out tires on a racecar and a sadly rushed derivative of the game hide and go seek.
Here’s another one: if you’re a young parent, you now know that informing your kid that it’s bedtime is [reactionarily] analogous to telling New England Patriots fans that Tom Brady just retired. Yep … total mayhem and biblical gnashing of teeth. Baby teeth that is.
Parents not only know “the struggle,” of raising young kids, they become the struggle in many cases. Yes, these are the worn and pathetic people we all have to deal with on the interstate during rush hour, at the workplace, in the grocery store, and at the DMV.
Ever wonder why the two-hundred pound, disheveled … I’m wearing my house slippers outside of the house, lady in front of you in line at McDonalds is screaming at the bewildered cashier at the top of her voice because they just ran out of Chicken McNuggets? Yep … her kids drove her to this state. Don’t judge. The struggle is indeed real bruh.
What about the weird guy at the Wal-Mart checkout line with the white tube socks pulled up to his knees who just turned a (seemingly) simple point of sale transaction with the cashier into a C-Span broadcasted session of Congress — armed with two-year old expired coupons and outdated sales papers in hand to boot. Yes … you guessed it: his kids pushed him over the edge.
You get the point I think … and oh, by the way, if you are still looking for that all-inclusive parenting handbook … it doesn’t exist … and this short blog certainly won’t help you tremendously.
However, here are fifeteen true-isms about kids that all parents will instantly recognize and attest to…let this be a gentle warning and guide to the rest of you who are still holding out on producing one or many of these “gifts from Jesus”:
When You’re Running Late for An Appointment or Event, Rest Assure, Your Infant Will Poop His Diaper in The Absolute Worst and Tragic Way. Buy Tons of Clorox Wipes and Plan Accordingly.
Your Child Will Demand Juice or Water Immediately After You Put Them Down for Bedtime and Kiss Them Goodnight…It’s a Kid Law… Get Used to It.
Regardless of the Fact That None of Your Kids Needed You For Anything Within the Last 15 Minutes, Once You Lock the Bathroom Door and Sit Down on The Toilet and Do Your Business in Peace, You Will Instantly be Summoned by Everyone in Your House, Under the Age of 16.
The Child You Witness Crawling on the Floor and Whining When You Ask Them to Clean Their Room, Will Be the Same Child You See Infused with Excitement and Vigor Once You Announce That You’re Going to Toys-R-Us. Use That to Your Advantage.
Your Child Will Not Like or Eat Anything That Doesn’t Come in a Small Red Box with a Happy Face on it and a Plastic-Bagged Toy Inside.
Like a Pack of Wild Hyenas, Your Kids Are Naturally Programmed to Migrate to The Room That You Just Finished Cleaning and Vacuuming.
The Announcement of Bedtime to Your Kids Will Ignite Immediate Shock, Faux Illness, Spontaneous Injuries, Deep Depression, and Extreme Filibuster Tactics That Would Make Senator Ted Cruz Proud.
Once You Start a Phone Conversation, Your Kids Will Immediately Need Your Undivided Attention for Seemingly Meaningless or Nonsensical Issues…Also See #3 above.
You Will Never Be as Cool, Caring, and Awesome as Grandma and Grandpa … Get Used To That Notion Right Now.
The Same Child Who Literally Drove You to The Edge of Insanity an Hour Ago Will Melt Your Heart While You Watch Them Sleep Like an Angel During a Nap. This is Mother Nature’s Way of Calming Your Frayed and Damaged Nerves.
Kids are Some of the Quickest, Most Agile, and Flexible Creatures on the Face of the Earth – Of Course, Unless You Ask Them to Get Dressed and Put on Their Shoes Before Leaving the House in the Morning.
Your Expensive Items Around the House Will Begin to Break “Spontaneously.” For Example, Your Kids Will Attempt to Convince You That Your Lamp Just “Fell on The Floor and Broke”. Be Prepared to Lose Crap that You Once Cherished.
You Will Never Be Able to Prove Which One of Your Kids Hit The Other Kid First. Each Child Will Swear on The Good Book That They Were Pummeled First By The Other One. It Will Be a Lasting Mystery For You Throughout the Course of Parenthood. Good Luck With That.
Your Child Will Have Zero Interest in “Toy X” — Of Course Until Another Kid Picks it Up and Begins Playing With It. Be Advised: At That Point, All Hell Will Break Out.
Your Middle Kid Will Be Like The One Guy at Your Prom in High School That Didn’t Come with a Date and Looks Like He Just Wants to Go Home and Watch Dr. Who Reruns. Give Him or Her a Break.
Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally | www.goombaytally.com
Help Your Teens Find Their Social Niche
I was not considered very cool in high school. I was the opposite of cool and I knew it. I envied, and even secretly hated the “cool guys” in school who seemed to be blessed with the complete package: the physical, behavioral, social, academic, and athletic gifts that I lacked . I was not a handsome kid who had zero social skills, which consequently led to junior high and high school experience void of girlfriends. To make matters worse, I wore extremely geeky, discounted eye glasses with the caricatured black electrical tape holding the frame together for half of a school year after running into a well-positioned “pick” during basketball practice.
In fact athletics, my love for music, and appreciation for all things military served as the only substantive gravitational social platforms for me in those formative years. In retrospect, those were the things that kept me connected to the real pulse of the student population.
Oddly enough, I was able to bootstrap myself out of complete social obscurity by excelling in sports. Yes, I was a social misfit, but I was also a very good athlete. Surprisingly, this paradox kept me in good standing with the high school coaching staff during track and field, soccer, and basketball season.
To add to the dichotomy, my father instilled in me a deep appreciation for classical music at a young age and I enjoyed playing piano almost as much as I loved running the 4 x 1 relay or playing the center forward position on the soccer field. When kids in my high school were listening to Michael Jackson and Prince, I was learning to play Mozart cantatas.
Lastly, because I was a military brat, I grew up with an obsessive appreciating for the military and the discipline, values, and challenges that came along with service to your country. I enjoyed the comradely and team dynamics the most. I read World War II history books obsessively and watched the World at War mini-series every Saturday night.
So, if you mix together all those interests, a typical day in high school would find me hanging out in the band room during my lunch hour with one of my best friends at the time, Scott Hassan, who [was] talented enough to be in the band, by the way. I was not. Scott was also a brilliant computer programmer; a skill that helped propel his career and success immensely. I was essentially a band geek “groupie.” So that made me all the more pathetic to the high school social elites. For most of our lunch period, we would play the newest songs that we composed on a well-used, grand piano that looked like a city orchestra charity donation. I didn’t care. When I got the opportunity to play her, the deep, swirling, and rich sounds made me feel free. The pressure to conform to the social standards melted away for those short period of time.
During Junior Reserve Officer Training Corp in fourth period, you would find me marching on the campus drill pad, donned in my Army green and nervously double checking the spacing of my ribbons, name tag, belt buckle, and cover on my uniform before inspection. I still remember feeling sick to my stomach as the senior JROTC instructor made his way down our column during open ranks inspection. He would yell at the cadet next to me for not pressing his uniform well enough or having his “gig line” off by a quarter of an inch. Your individual inspection would always end with a quiz on general military knowledge so I would listen intensely to attempt to hear the question as the poor cadet to my right continued to take a psychological beating from the senior instructor. The pressure was unbearable. This was an open ranks inspection with vital national security implications on the line, and I was only fifteen years old.
By 4:45 P.M., you would find me on the school’s old, unpaved track running fast 200 and 400 meter sprints, and sometimes dry heaving because I didn’t take the time to eat lunch (remember, I was in the band room hanging out with the band geeks).
At the end of the day, the high school geek and social outcast who would receive zero votes in a “most popular student” election, enjoyed playing great music for an hour with his band buddies. Surprisingly, his compositions often caught the ear of some of the better members of the band who complimented him on the musical structure; even though he had no formal training. I was part of the “band tribe” at lunch. Kind of.
After lunch, I was a student of military studies and history. I wore a sharp uniform and marched in the hot sun until we learned every drill movement perfectly. I learned discipline, mental toughness, and attention to detail. I slowly became a top cadet through hard work and consistent dedication to the program. I was still unattractive, and I still wasn’t considered to be a popular kid, but I was part of the “military tribe.”
After school I was one of the fastest kids on the track and the highest jumper over the bar and I felt like a contributing member of the team. Through my hard work and achievements during track meets, I knew I gained the respect of many of the school’s best athletes. They were my “track and field tribe.”
Although I didn’t have the personality, appearance, or social gifts to be accepted into the circle of the “popular kids” in my high school, I did find my “tribes” or groups that I resonated with and in turn, they supported my talents, goals, or interests. I found that many students were so focused on the “in crowd” and what they needed to do to [be] them, they forgot how to find their own path to personal fulfillment and sense of accomplishment. They were living their lives vicariously through people they heralded as the perfect student or athlete.
I realized over time that I didn’t need to be popular to be of value. By investing in the social interaction of my tribes, I was developing those skills that would serve me well later in life. Don’t get me wrong, if your kids are popular, tell them to keep doing what they’re doing and go forth and prosper.
A study conducted in 2003 found in Perspectives in Biology and Medicine claims that people who are socially isolated possess a less efficient system to repair and maintain physiological functioning. This would include how quickly wounds heal and how efficiently they sleep. The socially isolated spectrum of that study even had a slower wound healing process and less efficient sleep cycles. Mastering social challenges in high school will equip your kids in navigating life as an adult.
However, if your child is struggling to “fit in” and may feel like an outcast; encourage them to find connections in new programs, groups, interest areas, and “tribes.” Many adolescents become frustrated because they can’t break through the social elite circles in school. The tragedy is that they spend four long years trying to please the wrong tribe. They never get to know the community of Japanese or Chinese students in your school. They never get to know the band and orchestra members, even if you don’t play an instrument. They walk right by the computer programmers who sit at their own table in the back of the lunchroom; remember these are the guys who could help them out when their laptop crashes on the night before that history paper is due. Stop by the theater and get to know the thespians and what they go through as they prepare for the next school play. Get to know the students who have physical limitations; they have unique talents and perspectives that will inspire and help them understand their challenges when they are working in the corporate world in the next four to six years.
Remind your kids that their journey through the social jungle should be their own experience, and not necessarily the one that the school’s varsity quarterback or homecoming queen is living.
Written by: Scott McGinnis