10 Reasons Why You Should Never Date a Horse Chick!
Written by Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally
If you are a bro who has an affinity for anything equestrian, please stop reading this post and move on to another blog or website like “HorseAdvise.com“, “Spin to Win: Rodeo Magazine” or whatever you guys read to keep yourself inspired. This post is not meant for you. It would have no substantive or preventative value for you at all. This post is actually a warning to single bros who are still actively playing in the dating arena and have an opportunity to avoid running into, and potentially falling for a relatively small community of women in this country I affectionately call: “horse chicks.”
Horse chicks are women who eat, sleep, dream, and talk about horses 24-hours a day, seven days a week. These are “lovely” ladies who diligently prioritize their lives around the care, well-being, performance, and general health of their horses and the equipment that supports them.
Don’t worry, these women will be easy to spot. They will be wearing a baseball cap with their barn or trainer’s commercial logo embroidered on the front and their ponytail will be pulled neatly through the back. In the winter, they will be wearing a riding jacket with probably a Dover Saddlery embroidery or patch somewhere on it, along with sleek riding breeches, black riding boots, or worn jeans and cowboy boots. Believe me, it will be the riding breeches that will cause you to slip up and become weak if you are not careful. Warning: horse chicks are incredibly hot! My advise: be strong when you see them and “for the love of God,” don’t look down.
According to the American Horse Council, if you happen to live in the state of Florida, the horse industry has about a $5.1 billion impact on the state’s economy when the multiplier effect of spending by industry suppliers and employees is taken into account. Additionally, the horse industry provides nearly 38,300 full-time equivalent jobs in your state. Moreover, there are nearly 440,000 Floridians involved in the horse industry either as owners, service providers, employees, or volunteers. So that means your probability of running into a horse chick at Target or Wal-Mart in Florida is exponentially higher than your bro’s in New York, where there are only about 152,000 residents directly involved in the horse industry.
Now that we’ve established the fact that there is a viable horse chick threat in this country. Let’s explain why you should avoid dating these women at all costs.
Well, let’s start by taking a look at the “costs” associated with owning and caring for a horse. For the unlearned bro, hearing a cute horse chick brag about “owning” a horse [only] registers to them as a fairly simple process with almost no long-term financial implications. Much like buying a German Shepherd puppy: you buy a bag of “Puppy Chow,” fill the water bowl routinely, walk him twice a day, visit the vet once or twice a year, and you’re out maybe less than $1,200. Immediately throw this perception out of the window when it comes to horse care. So here’s your equestrian care intelligence briefing for the day:
First, that horse chick you’re flirting with probably paid several thousands of dollars for her horse, and that price varies depending on the breeding, health, age, size, and performance ability of her big guy. But it doesn’t stop there dude, the initial cost of a horse purchase is only the beginning. Let’s begin with board. If your horse chick doesn’t own her own barn, she is probably boarding it in one of thousands of barn facilities throughout the country. Boarding costs could run anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000 (or more) a year depending on whether she is “mucking” (basically cleaning out horse crap) out her own stall or paying some other poor guy or gal to do that for her. You’ll find that boarding facilities will “nickel-and-dime” every service out of her. For example, she will pay extra fees for blanketing the horse at night when he gets cold, feeding, administering vitamins, medication, hugging and kissing him good night, reading Black Beauty bedtime stories to him and so on.
Your little sweet heart equestrian will also fail to mention that she is probably paying anywhere from $3,000 to $20,000 on tack and equipment. Oh, I’m sorry, “tack” is her fancy way of describing horse gear like the saddle, reins, bridle, harness, and stuff like that.
Additionally, she will need horse grooming equipment on top of all that to keep her “boy” clean and presentable. She will spend hundreds to thousands of dollars on these items as well. Yes, add cash register sound effect here.
I think you get the point now but let’s not forget veterinarian and farrier costs: your little girlfriend will happily spend thousands of dollars a year for a farrier to stop by the boarding facility to trim the horses hooves and reset his shoes. Likewise, she will spend another thousand dollars or more a year for routine veterinarian care. Of course, that’s if her horse has no significant health issues or injuries to fix. Oh by the way, horses ALWAYS have significant health issues or injuries to fix.
I almost forgot to mention, if horse chick is a dressage rider, that means she invariably has a snooty trainer (probably from the UK or Germany) who is probably demanding a small bundle for a one-on-one lesson in her riding arena. Warning: the trainer will look agitated, annoyed, and rarely acknowledge your presence when you visit the barn with Ms. Equestrian. You will be greeted as warmly as Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles. Yes, she will see you as the help. Embrace that sentiment dude, it lasts forever.
Your girl will also want to compete in any number of horse shows during the spring and summer months. She will be riding in these horse shows in an attempt to score a 60.0 or higher in her ride in order to earn credit toward her next medal. Yep, you guessed it, if she rides dressage, she won’t be sporting old jeans and a “Life is Good” T-Shirt; she’ll be decked out in her show coat, riding breeches and helmet.
Oh by the way, she will be excited about these blue, red, yellow, and pink ribbons which will signify her placing in each riding event. Yes, she will spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to complete in these horse shows around the country every year but the ribbons she is so proud of are probably worth about $1.50 a piece (Shanghai, China). You do the math. In addition to the competition costs associated with the event, she will open up her horse-print purse and spend anywhere from $50 to $1,200 on tack, T-Shirts, grooming equipment, and other vendor merchandise while waiting for her next ride time.
I can blog all day about the escalating costs related to owning a horse but here’s the narrative: When you start dating this horse chick, you will quickly become involved in some way as a financier of some of these expenses listed above. Yes, that blood-curdling, primordial scream you just heard in the distance was your savings account.
O.K., we’ve run down the economic implications of dating a horse chick, lets talk about where you will stand in the relationship if you decide to disregard my advice and fall into horse chick’s diabolical bro’ trap.
If you pay attention to one thing in this post, please understand this: horse chick may tell you that she loves you everyday as she grabs her saddle pads and wraps before jumping into her brand new Ford F-250 that’s hooked up to a gooseneck slant trailer sitting in her driveway, but she loves her horse much, much, much, more.
Imagine you and her horse are stuck on a collapsing bridge with devastating flood waters racing below. Horse chick calls 911 and within fifteen minutes the fire department, police, and Army National Guard combat engineers arrive with their equipment to get you and the horse off the bridge. Unfortunately, the team only has enough time to haul one of you poor saps off before the bridge breaks apart and sends both of you to your demise.
The National Guard Captain turns to your cute equestrian girlfriend and says, “O.K. ma’am, I know this is going to be heartbreaking for you to hear, but we only have time to save either your boyfriend or the horse; which one will it be?”
Yep. Sorry to break this to you dude, but I hope you are a deeply religious man and your will is up to date.
Again, you don’t have to take my advice, but you do have to understand where and how you will be prioritized in her life if you date, or heaven forbid, ask for the hand of a horse chick in marriage.
Remember, every decision in her life, every item she purchases, every relationship she establishes, and the totality of the time she invests throughout any given day will be forever tethered to the care, maintenance, training, and happiness of her horse(s).
Remember, every decision in her life, every item she purchases, every relationship she establishes, and the totality of the time she invests throughout any given day will be forever tethered to the care, maintenance, training, and happiness of her horse(s).
Honestly, it will feel like she is cheating on you with another man brother; a man that she spends a lot of time with throughout the week. A man who lives naked and afraid in a barn, eats hay and oats, and poops about a million times a day. After your indoctrination has run its course, you will eventually, and inevitably find yourself mucking out her horse’s stall on a bitterly cold winter morning while she’s in the arena for her third dressage riding lesson of the week. You will look across the rolling meadows, you will shiver, you will stink, and you will eventually look up and think to yourself, “how did I get here?” It will be at that point that you remember reading this post, but it will be too late. Now cowboy-it-up and stop crying you pansy! You had a choice. You blew it. You’re in too deep now. That eerie laughter you hear in the distance is your soul turning to the dark side.
If this post still hasn’t successfully persuaded you to avoid contact with every hot and available horse chick you meet in the future, your fate is in your own hands brother. Good luck.
O.K., now that I’ve fired up thousands of good horse chicks around the country with this article, please know that I won’t have much time to read your angry responses and fiery name-calling; I’ll probably be at the barn helping my beautiful horse chick wife of 13 years diligently prepare for her next show. Relax, horse chick husbands like myself are often known for having a great sense of humor at times.
Written by: Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally Blog