Written by Goombay Tally Staff | www.goombaytally.com | Those Crazy Cats
I Hate Cats – So My Family Decided to Mess With Me.
I hate cats. Let me explain:
I love animals in general…meaning, I don’t [really] hate cats. Meaning, I won’t let a cat die from starvation if it showed up at my doorstep. Nor will I ever punt kick a cat, or torture it with a lighter or a blow torch like a deranged psycho etc. I just “dislike them.” Cats aren’t my cup of tea if you will.
According to the ASPCA, 85.8 million cats currently have owners in the United States. That means roughly 35% of all households in the United States have one of these little four-legged “demons” roaming its hallways, perched on computer desks, and peacefully sleeping in window sills.
Anyway, I don’t think being a cat hater necessarily makes me an evil person or anything, and by no means am I alone in this sentiment.
It's so sad that curiosity led to so many life-changing inventions, but is still mostly remembered for killing that one cat.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) June 8, 2015
wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) June 12, 2015
gurl r u a cat because u have ignored all my attempts to earn ur love and attention
— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito) March 28, 2015
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat's dead.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 29, 2015
As you probably guessed, I’m a dog person at heart vs. a cat-lover. In fact, I’m a dog-lover for so many reasons that it’s probably not even worth listing them out on this blog post.
But I will mention a few:
Dogs are Infinitely Better Than Cats Because…
- When you come home from work, your dog acts like he’s actually thrilled to see you. Cats secretly and prayerfully hope that you get into a tragic and fiery accident on your way home.
- Dogs are like your high school buddy who wasn’t incredibly smart, but would do anything for you and always had your back during fights. Cats are like your buddy in high school who swooped in and started dating your ex-girlfriend in less than 12 hours after your break up.
- Dogs will [literally] die protecting their owners. Cats will watch your house get sacked by burglars when you’re not home, then nag you about getting them dinner once you walk through the door.
- Dogs are built for taking long relaxing walks with their owners on meadowy-green trails and parks. Cats are built to lazily drape over window ledges and antique furniture like your nana’s dust covers.
“Dad…Can We Get a Cat?”
Last month, my two girls asked Mom and I if they could get a cat. Without hesitation, I told them, “Absolutely not. Are you all completely insane?” As you can imagine, this curt response was not taken very well by my kids. Moreover, even after another two hours of failed negotiations, endless debate as intense as any global warning disagreement, and heated diatribes; I stuck to my guns and weathered the barrage.
Battle won right? Yep–not even close.
Instead, over the span of two weeks, my two daughters decided to initiate what I now call the cat insurgency in my household. Essentially, they realized that they couldn’t convince dad to get a cat using conventional methods. So they tried something different.
Apparently, my girls (with some assistance from Mom I’m certain) went to Wal-Mart or K-Mart and dropped $5 and brought the most disturbing, creepiest, disconcerting cat pillow they could find and proceeded to make my life a living hell over the next two weeks. They cleverly planted this cat pillow around the house like a twisted “Elf on the Shelf” scheme in an attempt to change my mind about getting a feline.
I’d find this cat pillow in the freezer, in my underwear drawer, in the shower, in the back window of the car, sitting on the toilet, and so on.
In fact, I began calling the pillow…CREEPY KITTY.
So after a few weeks of the bullying and badgering, I decided to create the following cat memes using CREEPY KITTY to stage my revenge on Facebook and Twitter. I then began to pepper each one of their social media sites each day with the following cat-hater memes. And no…they have not broken my spirit…we’re still not getting a cat.
The “Creepy Kitty” Meme Revenge Begins…
Written by Goombay Tally Staff |www.goombaytally.com