Scott McGinnis | Goombay Tally
What Would You Do to Avoid D.C. Traffic?
According to a study conducted in 2013, Washington D.C. has some of the nation’s worst traffic. The study further determined that D.C. drivers were delayed an average of 67 hours annually as they crept their way up and down I-95, the Beltway, and elsewhere.
For those readers who have to endure D.C.’s incredibly congested roadways everyday, this article won’t tell you anything you don’t already know. You will resonate with these sentiments. You will softly nod your head in agreement over your morning coffee. You will shed a tear because you will have to get out in that traffic in 10 minutes.
For those reading this post who have never had the pleasure of slugging south on I-395 on a Friday afternoon, with about a million other commuters, let me paint a picture for you:
5 Things I Would Gladly Do Instead of Being Stuck in D.C. Traffic
1. Be Water Boarded
Water boarding is a form of torture where big brawny CIA agents pour water over a cloth covering the poor victims face and breathing passages, often causing the person to experience the sensation of extreme panic and drowning.
The act of water boarding can cause extreme pain, damage to lungs, brain damage, and broken bones due to the poor sap struggling against restraints, and yes, even death. If that weren’t enough, adverse physical consequences can manifest themselves months after this horrible event, while psychological effects can last for years.
….and yes, I would rather be water boarded by a pissed-off Jack Bauer in “24” any day instead of being stuck on I-95 with three hyperactive kids, a moody wife, and NPR’s thirty-minute interview with a local librarian stuck on the radio. D.C. congestion is far more suffocating than water boarding could ever be (I’m sure of it).
2. Be Forced to Watch 72 Straight Hours of “Glitter“
The 2001, Mariah Carey movie Glitter which was panned by critics and ultimately flamed-out at the box-office, is often rated amongst the worst movies of all time. Glitter was described by one popular critic as “a hodgepodge of movie cliches and bad acting that’s sure to generate unintentional laughs. Unfortunately, the movie is not bad enough to be good.” Mind you, there were reports of movie-goers becoming physically ill after watching Glitter.
…and yes, as psychologically damaging as being strapped to a chair, fed stale Popeye’s chicken, and watching three straight days of one of the most reprehensible pieces of film in history would be; being late for an appointment in Washington D.C. due to traffic, even though you left an hour and a half early, is still worse. Bring it on Mariah! You can’t hurt me now.
3. Get Into a Brawl with MMA Fighters Georges St-Pierre, and Johny Hendricks at the Same Time
St-Pierre and Johny Hendricks have collectively punched MMA opponents so hard that they’ve forgotten their own mothers’ names. Getting into a nose-bustin‘ scrap with both of these gentleman, outside of one of D.C.’s night clubs, would not bode well for me or my dental plan. Let’s not talk about the 2 million “You Tube” hits that the video would generate because some geeky Georgetown University engineering student thought it would be a better idea to film my horrendous beating rather than call 911.
However, I would be totally worth the challenge compared to staring at the goofy kid sitting in the back seat of his Mom’s Ford Focus for an hour on 14th Street in D.C., mumbling something at me that cannot be heard, but probably sounded something like, “Momma, why is the man behind us so red.” “Why are there veins popping out of his head?”
4. Be Searched Naked by Laughing TSA Agents at Reagan-National Airport
TSA has been criticized over the last five years for being cold, insensitive, and often illogical in their security processing methods. I watched a grandmother in front of me at a security checkpoint in the Midwest years ago getting searched for twenty minutes because she was bringing crystal figurines along with her on the flight. Luckily, “Nana” wasn’t strip searched by the TSA that day and I guess they finally figured out that the grandmother from Utah, really, really, really, loved crystal figurines in the shape of polar bears, and was generally no threat to the other passengers. Go figure right?
One of my standing nightmares is still getting called out by about 10 TSA agents because I happen to look like a wanted Al Qaeda terrorist. Not only am I [not] “Ahmed Jirbiliz” but I would have a snow ball’s chance in hell of ever trying to pronounce his name correctly.
In the dream, TSA agents tell me to strip naked. I look up in horror and there are about 100 gorgeous female passengers going through the security checkpoint. Kelly Nelson, my high school cheerleader crush who barely gave me the time of day back in the 80s, is the first person in line and sees me getting frisked by a 220 pound TSA agent called “Dre.” Dre has big cold hands. I begin to cry.
Anyway, I’d still go through that horrible experience at Reagan National Airport to avoid getting stuck on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge for hours because traffic is backed up for five miles on I-495. Fighting the urge to step out of my car, walk over to the side of the bridge, and jump over, would be a disturbing temptation that I’m not willing to contemplate.
5. Stay 3 Days in the Creepiest Motel 6 in West Virginia
West Virginia is an incredibly beautiful state and I’m sure the majority of Hotel 6 establishments that you visit will be just fine. However, the Motel 6 that I stayed in while on vacation 2003, was not.
Honestly, the only thing missing from the room I stayed in was the Crime Scene Investigation chalk outline where the body used to be, and the obligatory police tape stretched across the door.
I have to admit, after a long hot day on the road, I had a good laugh when I turned on the shower and the head immediately flipped upside down and sprayed the ceiling. Did I make a wrong turn at Clarksburg and end up in Kyrgyzstan?
To add more excitement to the experience, I peeked outside the window facing the parking lot and saw about three police cruisers orbiting the hotel like they were staking out hardened drug dealers. I was slightly concerned.
This was one of those motels that smelled like Marlboro Lights, Basset Hound, Taco Bell, Curry, and sweaty feet.
…and yes, I would rather hang out in that ex-crime scene of a room for three painful days instead of banging my head on my steering wheel to the point of concussion on I-270 because traffic is moving about as fast as New Jersey governor Chris Christie on a treadmill.
D.C. traffic is the absolute worst. If this article didn’t adequately relay that message for you, I invite you to get on I-95 headed north on the day before Thanksgiving. Good luck to you.